When I’m really unsatisfied with something I really bottle it down. It almost instantly turnes into a headache. And when a bad day comes the headache becomes such a killer it makes me cancel plans – reschedule – sleep in.
Medication doesn’t help – I can just wait for it to be over or cry my eyes out until it puts me to sleep. Hardcore, I know. Also – writing helps… Typing away my pain.
The problems I have sometimes seem ridiculous. But I guess that I am somewhat a perfectionist, I clingue to details and want everything to be perfect… and that’s not what life is about. So I decided to write a little to help end this tortureous day.
28 – Sept – 17
Had to get up really really early after 2 month of work all night – sleep all day shenanigans. It wasn’t pleasant. I knew I wasn’t ready for the exam I was having (I’m a student at the state university in Belgrade): haven’t had enough time to go through all of the books, study everything, remember all the facts… But I went anyway – to try out you know – test my luck.
On my way there – in this intense traffic jam – I had a feeling I’m not in for a pleasant ride. Literally. In the end I managed to get there half an hour early. And the professor was late.
He read out a few names from the list and five of us sat in front of him. I was the first one. I got my questions – sat down – took a pen and a peace of paper to write down a concept for my answears when I actually read the questions I got and realised that I have no idea how to answear one of them. And if I wanted to pass I needed to know everything.
There was this pause, a moment of silence, while everyone wrote their concepts. I just sat there staring at the empty paper and knew what was up.
I returned the questions and left.
Even thought I kind of predicted the fail I was still pretty mad at myself when I got out. What cooled me down was a two hour coffee break with a friend I haven’t seen in months. We talked about a lot of unrelated stuff – it got my mind off the exam fail.
But on my way back home – when I finished a few things I had to do in the city center. I realised I’m geting a massive headache. And to make things worse there were no available seats on the bus ride home. So I stood in the middle of the buss reading through the book, trying to find the answear to that damn exam question.
Came home. The headache got so intense I could hear my heart beat in my ears. Went in for the hottest shower. Layed down. Continued going through the book looking for the answear and fell asleep with my head on it.
Four hours later. Head is a little clearer. Still no answear to the question.
As soon as I got up I knew that someone came home and I’m not alone. And because of everyone’s scheadule – I knew it was this guy I hate the most. We normally just avoid meeting in hallways, talking to each other and I can’t wait to move out and never have to pass by him in the house again. He’s too toxic and really hard to deal with. So I decided I’m not staying in. I put some fresh clothes on – took my jacket, some money and my phone and went out.
The fresh air hit me. I was so tyred of everything the late September cold weather felt like some early February shit. But it made my blood flow faster. Woke me up. Shook me.
Realised I have no milk left and I ran out of fruit and hummus so my no-purpouse walk ended up being a trip to the super market.
Now I’m back home. Drinking coffee with milk and too much sugar. Realising I really need a filter like this one. You know, the writing thing. Maybe I’ll make it into a habit… fill it in with some pictures. Maybe not. We’ll see. I just know I’m much better now.